New reports out of Beijing today implicated more competitors in the ever-widening Russian Olympic doping scandal.
While the initial report concerned figure skating phenom Kamila Valieva, two sources close to the Russian Olympic Committee have accused individuals in the little-discussed cybercrime competition of doping as well.
The Russian Olympic Committee is the entry of Russia in these Olympics, the nation having been banned in 2019 for yes, doping. Of course, this is only paper. Joe David McMasters, Professor of Foreign Stuff at Harvard of the Hills Community College said, “The wall between Russia and the ‘Russian Olympic Committee’ is weaker than a fart in a windstorm. Anyone who thinks the ROC and the Russian government are not one and the same is frankly, dumber than a box of rocks.”
Both sources named Svetlana Popovitch and Oksana Vinogradov as heavy users of the banned substance Decryptazine. Long suspected to be leaders of the notorious banana-fanna-fo-facker cybercrime gang, Popovitch and Vinogradov (who are cousins), are favored to win gold in the women’s downhill ransomware relay. Also named was Ivan Ianovitch, a medal contender in the men’s halfpipe card-fraud event. He was fingered as a user of Rootenamide. The sources requested anonymity for their own safety with one saying, “polo is ok, polonium-210 is not.”
Among performance enhancing drugs, Decryptazine is rumored to increase processing in the ventrotemporal occipital cortex. Rootenamide was the drug of choice for legendary programmer Boris Grishenko, who worked at the Severnaya observatory in Siberia. It is believed to dramatically increase the brain’s ability to focus for long periods of time.
Popovitch says it’s just envy from the REvil gang. “Our not-state-sponsored but really, state-sponsored cybercrime organization is operated to the highest moral and ethical standards. No performance enhancing drugs at all. Those guys (REvil) will make the team when a lobster whistles on top of the hill. They are jealous and make accusations. That is where the dog is buried.”
International Olympic Committee officials have been asked repeatedly about their apparent inability to stem the tide of doping Russian competitors. “That’s pretty obvious,” said IOC spokesman Mark Adams. “We just don’t care what the Russians do. Otherwise, they would have been banned from any IOC sponsored event since oh, 1980.”
However, the IOC is facing increasing pressure from all sides to respond. Consequently, various officials of the International Olympic Committee, the World Anti-Doping Agency, the Court of Arbitration for Sport, and the Beijing Rotary Club have announced plans for a summit to determine a possible timeline for a series of meetings aimed at maintaining the status quo.
