In a major policy shift, Microsoft today announced a new method of deploying patches to Windows Server operating systems deployed on-premises. Effective immediately, Windows Server Update Services will no longer function with any version of Windows Server. Additionally, updates and patches will no longer be available for download from the Microsoft Update Catalog. Instead, operating system instances will need to be taken to a local Microsoft Partner for service. Installations under warranty will be updated at no cost. Instances older than 3 years or 36,000 miles will be charged for service at their local service center’s standard rates.
CEO Satya Nadella said
“You can probably tell we were heavily influenced by the automotive industry as we designed this new model. We know how the public holds car dealers in high regard, and felt theirs was a model worth emulating.”
Nadella continued, saying “We conducted an extensive job search, looking for the right person to lead us through this exciting transition. We found Virgil ‘Racer’ Jenkins at Quality Chevrolet in Muskogee, OK. Racer won many awards as a service manager in the auto industry, and expect him to be a huge asset in this new era.”
While details of the program are still under development, Jenkins says the process will work like this. “So the customer will just shut down their virtual machines, and upload them to their preferred partner. The partner will apply any needed updates, and post the files back to a secure portal. Some folks still have them bare-metal machines. They can be dropped off at a service center for what we call UW2 (Update-While-U-Wait). We’ve even talked about providing a Surface tablet as a loaner.”
When asked about increased downtime and customer resistance to the plan, Nadella stated “The world is moving too fast these days. Downtime is actually a side benefit of the new program. Besides, it’s like getting your oil changed; you’ll just have to deal with it.”
Opinions among system administrators were mixed, but skewed positive. Carl Mirten, IT Director for a chain of payday loan stores, said “I’m for anything that lets me spend more time on Facebook.”
Orders for commercial coffee makers and magazine subscriptions spiked on the news, as Microsoft partners prepare for lobbies full of bored level-1 technicians.
Correction: A Microsoft spokesman says the 36,000 mile criteria for determining warranty status was an error, but denied any internal Chevrolet documents were stolen by Mr. Jenkins.
